Introduction Why is everybody biased but me?

Have you noticed a lot of conversations, articles, and news coverage about bias? Have you questioned yourself and wondered whether you have bias or noticed places where you experience your own bias or someone else’s? Are you looking for ways to recognize whether bias is getting in the way of your relationships or your success in the workplace? If so, we can help. Human bias is a fact of life. It is an annoying and frustrating part of life, but we have all been in situations where we see it and think, “Oh no. This is not really happening. How could he think that what he is saying is OK?” Or worse, “Why did I just say that?” Most of us are paralyzed in those situations, not because we are bad people, but often because we don’t want to make a bad situation worse.

In this book we discuss why bias matters, we define the terms we believe will increase your fluency on the subject, and we talk about how you can move from thinking about bias to taking meaningful action to overcome it. Bias matters because we all have it and if you leave it unchecked, it can cause you to inadvertently push people away. This is precisely why we talk about building authentic relationships across differences. This book provides the tools you need to build and strengthen relationships without your unconscious biases getting in the way. You will find exercises, games, and activities to help you connect to your thought patterns and become more proactive and less reactive.

So what exactly do we mean when we say “overcoming” bias? By overcoming, we mean to control, conquer, and prevail over your bias. We have already stated and will continue to state that bias is not something you are immune to. Again, we all have it. One way to overcome bias is to control it instead of letting it control you. Think of it as curbing a bad habit, just like, say, smoking or eating too many sweets. You have to learn to control your cravings, which begins by becoming more self-aware about your behavior, what triggers your desire, and experiment with strategies to interrupt your bad habit. Since control starts with awareness, chapter 1 will include some exercises to help you identify your biases. If you do not know what biases you harbor, you are powerless against them and may be harming others unintentionally. In this case, ignorance is not bliss; ignorance is privilege. A lack of awareness of your own bias allows you to move through the world without consideration for the impact your behaviors and attitudes have on others. Privilege is not a dirty word; it is simply something that works in our favor, an advantage of sorts. Taking the time to control your bias by raising your awareness of your bias is the first step in neutralizing privilege. Unchecked privilege can manifest as bias, so taking the inventory we present in chapter 1 is very useful.

You can conquer your biases once you know what they are and accept whatever implications they may have in your life and relationships. Some may balk at the idea that you can actually conquer your bias, but we disagree. Here’s what we mean: In any one instance where bias may influence how you treat someone, you can slow yourself down and make rational choices instead of relying on the subconscious parts of your brain. If successful, you will have conquered your bias in that moment. Some of the exercises in this book, like Activity #4: Devil’s Advocate and Activity #5: Get Out of the Zone, require you to confront your biases. It will be uncomfortable at times, but who conquers anything without a little apprehension and discomfort? You will read an example of coauthor Tiffany Jana conquering a specific bias against an entire demographic of people. It took building an authentic relationship with someone from that demographic to help her identify and control her bias. Over time, she was able to conquer that particular bias and move on to identifying other areas for self-improvement. She conquered her bias about a whole nation of people when she made them part of her in-group. (You will learn more about that in chapter 3.)

We argue that you can prevail over your bias through sustained, lifelong effort. Think of the difference between conquering and prevailing like this: The United States arguably conquered Iraq when the military deposed Saddam Hussein, but the installation of a democracy has so far been a failure. You might say we conquered Iraq but we did not prevail there. If you take steps to control your bias and conquer it during critical moments, then over time you just may build the reflexes that allow you to prevail over your bias for the long term. Conquering is about winning the battle; prevailing is about winning the war. Using Tiffany’s example, identifying the bias was step one—controlling it through raised awareness. Step two was conquering the bias after many successful, authentic interactions with someone across difference that led to a friendship. Step three was prevailing, when she ceased seeing the group to which her new friend belonged as “other.” Their differences still existed, but they no longer affected her emotions or behaviors negatively. Prevailing over bias means that unbiased behavior (where there was once a known bias) is an autonomic response, like breathing or your heartbeat. You no longer have to force it into consciousness or make unbiased choices. It becomes the default setting—but only for that specific bias. Then you must move on to the next bias and start the process over again. Or you can apply the same principle on a larger scale to influence systemic bias—large-scale institutional bias.

An authentic relationship is one that is genuine. It lacks an ulterior motive and is reliable and trustworthy. Authentic relationships are established on the premise that each party is of equal value regardless of age, station, color, gender, or any other variable—just two people connecting on the basis of their shared humanity. Relationships can be authentic without being overly intimate. One need not bear one’s soul to prove authenticity. Rather, within the appropriate confines of the particular relationship, two people should simply be genuine, present, and without ill intent. Again, boundaries are fine, but an authentic relationship is significant regardless of emotional distance. Once authenticity is established as a baseline, a person’s humanity cannot and should not be unseen or devalued. Some of the hallmarks of authentic relationships include curiosity, kindness, care, concern, empathy, compassion, presence, shared values, pride, sincerity, inclusion, warmth, listening, respect, and understanding.

Human relationships are complicated. Coauthor Tiffany Jana remembers being in a taxi and the driver asked about her occupation. “When I said I worked on diversity and inclusion issues, the driver launched into a passionate monologue about black people and how he just didn’t understand what all the fuss was about,” recalls Jana. The driver was a retired, white male who genuinely meant no harm. He talked about his alcoholic father and how the driver simply made a choice to never live in poverty again. He thought poor black people should likewise choose not to be poor.

How do the taxi driver’s words strike you? Would you have said anything? Would your response depend on who else heard his comments? Often the context of bias is what throws us. Some people feel the need to defend the person or persons on the receiving end of the bias. Other people prefer to avoid conflict if at all possible. Maybe you don’t experience the driver’s comments as biased at all. There is no single correct response in these situations. You have to do what is comfortable for you.

One of the goals of this book is to help you increase your bias fluency so you can become more aware of bias and move beyond it. Bulleted statements in bold throughout the book make great talking points when helping someone navigate their bias. The good news is that you are also human and may identify a few tips to navigate your own bias. One of the best ways to influence personal growth in others is to show them your own. For this reason we will reveal personal accounts of our own bias and our attempts to overcome it. We will also introduce you to many other people who have confronted their biases and, in turn, helped their friends and colleagues do the same.

We would not be writing this book if we didn’t believe that people could overcome bias. We have met hundreds of people who are comfortable claiming their bias and discussing how they move past it. You will meet some of those good people as we share their stories in the chapters that follow. We share our own stories, as well. We have had to take a long hard look at our own biases in order to really be effective at helping others. And our most basic advice is this: build authentic relationships across difference. What kind of difference? All kinds! Race, religion, nationality, and sexual orientation are the human differences that dominate the news, but in reality all human differences can create division, from personality, to generation, to what sports you watch. The most problematic biases are those related to differences outside of an individual’s control. There’s no better way to uncover, challenge, and ultimately overcome these biases, than establishing friendships with real people.

No one expects to get on a bike and just ride effortlessly without ever taking a tumble and scraping a knee. Overcoming bias is no different. We can provide the tools and skills, but be gentle with yourself as you road test these activities. No one becomes a cultural ally overnight, but your intention does matter, and putting yourself out there in service of building authentic relationships across differences is definitely worth it. The really good news is that as more of us accept our individual responsibility for owning our biases and overcoming them, the potential impact on systemic bias is significant. Systemic bias is the large-scale bias of systems and institutions that perpetuate disparities and unequal outcomes that favor some groups over others. Those disparities decrease social mobility and divide people within nations. They affect health, wealth, and every social wellness indicator measured by economists around the globe. This is an international phenomenon, not only an American one. We see leaders grappling with bias issues when we consult internationally. Systemic bias has been baked into institutions around the world, and although the current generation in power did not create it, we are complicit if we fail to dismantle bias by starting with our own.

Now, we do have to warn you that if overcoming bias were easy, this introduction would be the end of the book. But it is not easy, which is why we’ve written this book. It will provide you with the tools and skills to make talking about and overcoming bias easier. When you finish this book, if you notice your own bias, or find yourself listening to someone else’s bias, you will be better equipped as a cultural ally who can stand up and address the bias intelligently, compassionately, and effectively.