4 The Craft of Resolution: A Road Map for Resolving Conflict
If you want to succeed, strike out on new paths rather than travel the worn paths of accepted success.
John D. Rockefeller
We don’t think about the web of agreements making up our lives until we think that a collaborator has violated an explicit or implicit agreement that we believed we had. Then the voice of our internal chatter gets louder. You would think that the skill of crafting clear agreements, because it is so basic to successful living, would be an element of our core curriculum, installed during our early educational process as part of our basic operating system. Unfortunately, we usually learn through suffering, when we realize we do not know what goes into an effective agreement.
At the outset of a transaction or relationship, it is important to be clear and detailed about where you are heading. Recently I asked Mark, a senior manager at Visa, to share his greatest challenge. He told me that he often observed people moving into action before they knew where they were going. He wanted people to be clear about their destination before they moved into action, otherwise they end up in places where they do not want to be. It’s the difference between “Ready, fire, aim!” and “Ready, aim, fire!” In terms of the model of resolution, this concept is important for two reasons: (1) clarity on the front end of a new relationship minimizes conflict; and (2) the resolution of conflict is a new, clear agreement.
Mark’s concerns are best illustrated in the classic story of the “Abilene Paradox.”
Here’s a brief version.
Abilene Paradox. Six people were sitting on a porch one hot August night about a hundred miles from Abilene, Texas. The temperature was 99°F and so was the humidity. So they decided to pile into a sedan without air-conditioning and headed over unpaved roads for Abilene to buy ice-cream. As they traveled, road dust wafted into the vehicle, coating their skin. They began sweating and became increasingly uncomfortable. Each wondered whose dumb idea it was to go to Abilene.
The trip back was no better. They became more agitated as they returned home. The internal din of “Whose dumb idea was it?” increased to a roar as they sweated and the ice cream melted, adding stickiness to the coat of dust. When they arrived home they piled out of the vehicle as quickly as they had piled in, bickering and finger pointing. As they quieted down, they began to see that no one had wanted to go to Abilene. Each had gone along for the ride, thinking it was a dumb idea but not wanting to say so.
How many trips to Abilene have you taken? Creating an effective agreement at the beginning of a relationship will save you many uncomfortable miles—or, as they said in the old oil filter commercials: “You can pay me now or pay me later!”
A Universal Model for Working with Others
Dialogue at the beginning of a relationship prevents conflict and puts all people involved on the same page. The conversation builds partnership; everyone begins with the same vision in mind. The dialogue shines light on the transaction by articulating all the details. It maximizes the chance for everyone to obtain what they want.
Although there is a fine body of work on conflict theory suggesting principles that will get you to resolution, there is no easy-to-follow model that specifies what needs to be discussed and resolved to reach an effective agreement. From my experience as a lawyer and my work for business organizations I developed just such a model for anyone who wants to maximize a personal ability to have successful collaborations.
The model takes you through steps of a dialogue that lead to an effective agreement. It moves you through the inevitable conflicts, back to a state of resolution and productivity. Although the model is presented in a linear fashion, when you begin working with it, you will understand its artfulness and the “soft” edges of the steps in the process.
The following is a list of the steps followed by a short overview of each one; this corresponds to the illustration on the next page. Chapters 15 through 21 contain the detailed “how-to” for each step, along with illustrative stories and a more thorough explanation.
The seven steps of the resolution model, which I call the “Cycle of Resolution,” are:
Step 1. Developing the Attitude of Resolution
Step 2. Telling Your Story
Step 3. Listening for a Preliminary Vision of Resolution
Step 4. Getting Current and Complete
Step 5. Seeing a Vision for the Future: Agreement in Principle
Step 6. Crafting the New Agreement:
Making the Vision into Reality
Step 7. Resolution: When Your Agreement Becomes Reality
As you follow the discussion of each of the steps, remember the process the two brothers, Tom and Bill, went through in Chapter 3.
Step 1. Developing the Attitude of Resolution
The Ten Principles that will be presented in Part III comprise the values that make up the attitude of resolution. This attitude is the place of beginning, a critical first step. It is not enough to go through the motions of the process mechanically without first cultivating the attitude or mood of resolution. This will not happen at once. It will take time to change the way you think. The beliefs and patterns you have about conflict took a long time to develop; they are deeply embedded and operate in unconscious ways. It will require intention to adopt new ways of thinking about collaborators and conflict, and new ways of communicating. This calls for faith and trust in yourself and in others. You can accomplish it. This is the foundational step. The goal is internalizing the principles of resolutionary thinking.
Step 2. Telling Your Story
The second step is telling your story and listening to all the stories, including yours. It is about understanding and being understood, one of the seven habits of highly effective people that Steven Covey inspires us to cultivate. There is great value in listening to the stories of others who are part of the situation. Looking for the truth in their story is not as important as honoring their authenticity and understanding their truth. Developing sharp listening skills enables you to understand another’s view of reality. If you learn to listen with a careful ear and honor everyone’s story about a situation, you take a big step toward getting to resolution.
Step 3. Listening for a Preliminary Vision of Resolution
The third step is to listen and think about a resolution that honors all concerns in the situation. It is about shifting from the desire to get your way (win) to a vision that everyone can buy into because it comes from a sense of fairness. This initial vision may change as you gather more information. You must stay with the perspective that it is as important for “them” to get what they want as it is for you to get what you want. This was the sense I had when I resolved those cases in my law school clinical program. This is the thesis in Roger Dawson’s work on “power negotiating”—the most powerful way to get what you want is to make sure that others get what they want. The roots of the resolution come from believing in abundance— that there is enough for everyone. We are not playing in a zero sum game!
Step 4. Getting Current and Complete
The fourth step demands saying difficult, sometimes gut-wrenching things. It is about articulating what usually goes unexpressed and escaping from the emotional and intellectual prisons that keep us locked in the past. It is a way to face the good and bad in any situation and to experience and grieve for the disappointment of unrealized expectations. It is a way to put all of the detail out on the table—and choose those remnants that can be used to weave a new tapestry of resolution.
Step 5. Seeing a Vision for the Future:Agreement in Principle
Now that you have a preliminary vision, along with the information and emotional freedom provided by the completion process, you are ready for the fifth step—reaching an agreement in principle. Having looked at what other people need and noticing the cracks in your righteous position, you are ready to reach a general understanding of the resolution. This is the foundation of a new agreement. You let go of the desire for what you know will not work, and you focus on what will. Your Agreement in Principle reflects the new era you are ready to step into.
Step 6. Crafting the New Agreement:Making the Vision into Reality
In this step you put specifics onto the agreement in principle. You design and construct a detailed vision of the future. The key point: You have a map, a formula, for the dialogue that will maximize the potential for everyone to obtain their desired results. The more time you spend detailing the desired future, the greater the chance to realize it.
Step 7. Resolution: When Your Agreement Becomes Reality
The seventh and final step is moving back into action. With a new agreement and a quiet, clear mind about the past, you can freely move forward, devoting your energy and intention to currently desired outcomes. You will have a new and profound sense of freedom because you have emptied yourself of the past and spoken all the “unspeakables.” You have completed the past and constructed a clear picture of the future and the highway that will get you there. You will be empowered by the process. You are resolved.
Summary
• This chapter introduces the Cycle of Resolution, a seven-step model and road map
• Chapters 15–21 will explain each step in greater detail, after you have been introduced to the principles (Chapters 5–14) that are the foundation of Step 1, the Attitude of Resolution.
• Make a choice to adopt the principles and practices suggested in this book.
• Select a few collaborations that are not quite what you would like them to be.
• Commit to try the model for 21 days, the time it takes to establish a new habit. Choose the date you will begin. Notice what happens!