Destructive Conversations

Shane and Jean-Luc were standing around the coffee machine. “If I have to listen to Claudia talk about her sales goals one more time, I’m gonna hit something,” said Shane in exasperation. “I know what you mean,” added Jean-Luc. “She’s so oblivious to how she makes the rest of us feel.”

“Yeah, well, she didn’t get all those sales on her own. I’ll bet the manager steers some of them her way. You’ve seen how they look at each other, haven’t you?” Shane insinuated.

“Whoa, I didn’t know that! That’s not fair,” fumed Jean-Luc. “That annoys me. To think I have to put together a proposal with her tomorrow! I will have to be careful with her and keep my cards close to my chest. She’ll probably make me do all the work, and then she’ll take all the credit.”

You can see where this conversation is going, and also how it will influence Jean-Luc’s ability to work with Claudia the next day. This is a destructive conversation with no chance of a positive outcome. It creates or reinforces differential power dynamics, generates a negative tone, and creates roadblocks for progress toward desired outcomes. The conversation is full of statements that devalue Claudia, her work, and the manager. Without her even being present, the relationship between Claudia and her two colleagues has been fractured. Jean-Luc has been set up to anticipate a negative interaction in which he loses. Unless Jean-Luc realizes the destructive nature of his conversation with Shane, his interaction with Claudia the next day is likely to be critical or destructive. There is little chance they will have a highly productive and meaningful engagement.

For those in an intimate relationship, a critical or passive-aggressive question such as “Why do you always have to leave your stuff lying around?” can trigger a destructive conversation between partners: “You are such a nag!” “I wouldn’t have to nag if you’d put your stuff away!” “It’s my house, too, and I like my stuff where it is! You are such a control freak!” “I’m not trying to control, I just like a house that’s clean and neat. It’s better feng shui; energy gets caught up in clutter.” Rolling his eyes, “Oh jeez, now it’s feng shui!”

This couple is talking past one another—full of judgment and criticism, denying one another’s value in the process. The conversation is loaded with blame, name-calling, and fault-finding, which then trigger attack-and-defend stances. Not only are such conversations not worth having, they are toxic. They destroy both relationships and the potential for excellence. When such conversations are the norm, they are actually predictive of low-performance teams and even divorce.

You can tell you are in a destructive conversation because it drains life and energy from those involved. It spirals downward, augmenting negative feelings. People on the receiving end do not feel valued and do not contribute value. No one feels good about the dynamic. Once defensiveness is triggered, statements become reactionary, fueled by negative emotions that tear down and narrow both creativity and critical thinking. Relationships grow more and more strained, and over time trust erodes. Just as they did at the medical center, such conversations create a toxic environment. Such a climate results in lower productivity, disengagement, dissatisfaction, and loss of connection. If the situation continues, relationships disintegrate. Organization teams fail to perform well. Employees mentally check out, quit, or form cliques that generate divisiveness. Families can even fall apart. These destructive conversations often take the form of any of the following:

•General deficit-based narrative: blaming, disempowering, claiming authority, or otherwise minimizing the worth of others

•Arguing or debating, without listening to one another

•Bullying

•Commanding and controlling

•Strict advocacy, with no inquiry into what others are thinking

The tone of destructive conversations feels bad and stimulates negative emotions. The direction often sits in spin cycle, going nowhere. Instead, the negative tone amplifies. Almost the opposite is true of the fourth and final type of interaction: the Affirmative Conversation.