第19章

Clifford looked at Connie,with his pale,slightly prominent blue eyes,in which a certain vagueness was coming.He seemed alert in the foreground,but the background was like the Midlands atmosphere,haze,smoky mist.

And the haze seemed to be creeping forward.So when he stared at Connie in his peculiar way,giving her his peculiar,precise information,she felt all the background of his mind filling up with mist,with nothingness.

And it frightened her.It made him seem impersonal,almost to idiocy.

And dimly she realized one of the great laws of the human soul:that when the emotional soul receives a wounding shock,which does not kill the body,the soul seems to recover as the body recovers.But this is only appearance.It is really only the mechanism of the re-assumed habit.Slowly,slowly the wound to the soul begins to make itself felt,like a bruise,which Only slowly deepens its terrible ache,till it fills all the psyche.

And when we think we have recovered and forgotten,it is then that the terrible after-effects have to be encountered at their worst.

So it was with Clifford.Once he was 'well',once he was back at Wragby,and writing his stories,and feeling sure of life,in spite of all,he seemed to forget,and to have recovered all his equanimity.But now,as the years went by,slowly,slowly,Connie felt the bruise of fear and horror coming up,and spreading in him.For a time it had been so deep as to be numb,as it were non-existent.Now slowly it began to assert itself in a spread of fear,almost paralysis.Mentally he still was alert.But the paralysis,the bruise of the too-great shock,was gradually spreading in his affective self.

And as it spread in him,Connie felt it spread in her.An inward dread,an emptiness,an indifference to everything gradually spread in her soul.

When Clifford was roused,he could still talk brilliantly and,as it were,command the future:as when,in the wood,he talked about her having a child,and giving an heir to Wragby.But the day after,all the brilliant words seemed like dead leaves,crumpling up and turning to powder,meaning really nothing,blown away on any gust of wind.They were not the leafy words of an effective life,young with energy and belonging to the tree.

They were the hosts of fallen leaves of a life that is ineffectual.

So it seemed to her everywhere.The colliers at Tevershall were talking again of a strike,and it seemed to Connie there again it was not a manifestation of energy,it was the bruise of the war that had been in abeyance,slowly rising to the surface and creating the great ache of unrest,and stupor of discontent.The bruise was deep,deep,deep...the bruise of the false inhuman war.It would take many years for the living blood of the generations to dissolve the vast black clot of bruised blood,deep inside their souls and bodies.And it would need a new hope.

Poor Connie!As the years drew on it was the fear of nothingness In her life that affected her.Clifford's mental life and hers gradually began to feel like nothingness.Their marriage,their integrated life based on a habit of intimacy,that he talked about:there were days when it all became utterly blank and nothing.It was words,just so many words.The only reality was nothingness,and over it a hypocrisy of words.

There was Clifford's success:the bitch-goddess!It was true he was almost famous,and his books brought him in a thousand pounds.His photograph appeared everywhere.There was a bust of him in one of the galleries,and a portrait of him in two galleries.He seemed the most modern of modern voices.With his uncanny lame instinct for publicity,he had become in four or five years one of the best known of the young 'intellectuals'.

Where the intellect came in,Connie did not quite see.Clifford was really clever at that slightly humorous analysis of people and motives which leaves everything in bits at the end.But it was rather like puppies tearing the sofa cushions to bits;except that it was not young and playful,but curiously old,and rather obstinately conceited.It was weird and it was nothing.

This was the feeling that echoed and re-echoed at the bottom of Connie's soul:it was all flag,a wonderful display of nothingness;At the same time a display.A display!a display!a display!

Michaelis had seized upon Clifford as the central figure for a play;already he had sketched in the plot,and written the first act.For Michaelis was even better than Clifford at making a display of nothingness.It was the last bit of passion left in these men:the passion for making a display.

Sexually they were passionless,even dead.And now it was not money that Michaelis was after.Clifford had never been primarily out for money,though he made it where he could,for money is the seal and stamp of success.

And success was what they wanted.They wanted,both of them,to make a real display...a man's own very display of himself that should capture for a time the vast populace.

It was strange...the prostitution to the bitch-goddess.To Connie,since she was really outside of it,and since she had grown numb to the thrill of it,it was again nothingness.Even the prostitution to the bitch-goddess was nothingness,though the men prostituted themselves innumerable times.

Nothingness even that.

Michaelis wrote to Clifford about the play.Of course she knew about it long ago.And Clifford was again thrilled.He was going to be displayed again this time,somebody was going to display him,and to advantage.He invited Michaelis down to Wragby with Act I.

Michaelis came:in summer,in a pale-coloured suit and white suede gloves,with mauve orchids for Connie,very lovely,and Act I was a great success.

Even Connie was thrilled...thrilled to what bit of marrow she had left.