第20章

"'Is the world so much to be desired?'she replied.'Oh!when my mind wanders,it goes higher.The angel of perfection,the beautiful angel Gabriel,often sings in my heart.If I were rich,I should work,all the same,to keep me from soaring too often on the many-tinted wings of the angel,and wandering in the world of fancy.There are meditations which are the ruin of us women!I owe much peace of mind to my flowers,though sometimes they fail to occupy me.On some days Ifind my soul invaded by a purposeless expectancy;I cannot banish some idea which takes possession of me,which seems to make my fingers clumsy.I feel that some great event is impending,that my life is about to change;I listen vaguely,I stare into the darkness,I have no liking for my work,and after a thousand fatigues I find life once more--everyday life.Is this a warning from heaven?I ask myself----'

"After three months of this struggle between two diplomates,concealed under the semblance of youthful melancholy,and a woman whose disgust of life made her invulnerable,I told the Count that it was impossible to drag this tortoise out of her shell;it must be broken.The evening before,in our last quite friendly discussion,the Countess had exclaimed:

"'Lucretia's dagger wrote in letters of blood the watchword of woman's charter:/Liberty!/'

"From that moment the Count left me free to act.

"'I have been paid a hundred francs for the flowers and caps I made this week!'Honorine exclaimed gleefully one Saturday evening when Iwent to visit her in the little sitting-room on the ground floor,which the unavowed proprietor had had regilt.

"It was ten o'clock.The twilight of July and a glorious moon lent us their misty light.Gusts of mingled perfumes soothed the soul;the Countess was clinking in her hand the five gold pieces given to her by a supposititious dealer in fashionable frippery,another of Octave's accomplices found for him by a judge,M.Popinot.

"'I earn my living by amusing myself,'said she;'I am free,when men,armed with their laws,have tried to make us slaves.Oh,I have transports of pride every Saturday!In short,I like M.Gaudissart's gold pieces as much as Lord Byron,your double,liked Mr.Murray's.'

"'This is not becoming in a woman,'said I.

"'Pooh!Am I a woman?I am a boy gifted with a soft soul,that is all;a boy whom no woman can torture----'

"'Your life is the negation of your whole being,'I replied.'What?

You,on whom God has lavished His choicest treasures of love and beauty,do you never wish----'

"'For what?'said she,somewhat disturbed by a speech which,for the first time,gave the lie to the part I had assumed.

"'For a pretty little child,with curling hair,running,playing among the flowers,like a flower itself of life and love,and calling you mother!'

"I waited for an answer.A too prolonged silence led me to perceive the terrible effect of my words,though the darkness at first concealed it.Leaning on her sofa,the Countess had not indeed fainted,but frozen under a nervous attack of which the first chill,as gentle as everything that was part of her,felt,as she afterwards said,like the influence of a most insidious poison.I called Madame Gobain,who came and led away her mistress,laid her on her bed,unlaced her,undressed her,and restored her,not to life,it is true,but to the consciousness of some dreadful suffering.I meanwhile walked up and down the path behind the house,weeping,and doubting my success.I only wished to give up this part of the bird-catcher which I had so rashly assumed.Madame Gobain,who came down and found me with my face wet with tears,hastily went up again to say to the Countess:

"'What has happened,madame?Monsieur Maurice is crying like a child.'

"Roused to action by the evil interpretation that might be put on our mutual behavior,she summoned superhuman strength to put on a wrapper and come down to me.

"'You are not the cause of this attack,'said she.'I am subject to these spasms,a sort of cramp of the heart----'

"'And will you not tell me of your troubles?'said I,in a voice which cannot be affected,as I wiped away my tears.'Have you not just now told me that you have been a mother,and have been so unhappy as to lose your child?'

"'Marie!'she called as she rang the bell.Gobain came in.

"'Bring lights and some tea,'said she,with the calm decision of a Mylady clothed in the armor of pride by the dreadful English training which you know too well.

"When the housekeeper had lighted the tapers and closed the shutters,the Countess showed me a mute countenance;her indomitable pride and gravity,worthy of a savage,had already reasserted their mastery.She said:

"'Do you know why I like Lord Byron so much?It is because he suffered as animals do.Of what use are complaints when they are not an elegy like Manfred's,nor bitter mockery like Don Juan's,nor a reverie like Childe Harold's?Nothing shall be known of me.My heart is a poem that I lay before God.'

"'If I chose----'said I.

"'If?'she repeated.

"'I have no interest in anything,'I replied,'so I cannot be inquisitive;but,if I chose,I could know all your secrets by to-morrow.'

"'I defy you!'she exclaimed,with ill-disguised uneasiness.

"'Seriously?'

"'Certainly,'said she,tossing her head.'If such a crime is possible,I ought to know it.'