第130章

Nothing seemed to go right that spring,and yet nothing was absolutely wrong.At times I became irritated,bewildered,out of tune,and unable to understand why.The weather itself was uneasy,tepid,with long spells of hot wind and dust.I no longer seemed to find refuge in my work.I was unhappy at home.After walking for many years in confidence and security along what appeared to be a certain path,I had suddenly come out into a vague country in which it was becoming more and more difficult to recognize landmarks.I did not like to confess this;and yet I heard within me occasional whispers.Could it be that I,Hugh Paret,who had always been so positive,had made a mess of my life?

There were moments when the pattern of it appeared to have fallen apart,resolved itself into pieces that refused to fit into each other.

Of course my relationship with Nancy had something to do with this....

One evening late in the spring,after dinner,Maude came into the library.

"Are you busy,Hugh?"she asked.

I put down my newspapers.

"Because,"she went on,as she took a chair near the table where I was writing,"I wanted to tell you that I have decided to go to Europe,and take the children.""To Europe!"I exclaimed.The significance of the announcement failed at once to register in my brain,but I was aware of a shock.

"Yes."

"When?"I asked.

"Right away.The end of this month."

"For the summer?"

"I haven't decided how long I shall stay."I stared at her in bewilderment.In contrast to the agitation I felt rising within me,she was extraordinarily calm,unbelievably so.

"But where do you intend to go in Europe?""I shall go to London for a month or so,and after that to some quiet place in France,probably at the sea,where the children can learn French and German.After that,I have no plans.""But--you talk as if you might stay indefinitely.""I haven't decided,"she repeated.

"But why--why are you doing this?"

I would have recalled the words as soon as I had spoken them.There was the slightest unsteadiness in her voice as she replied:--"Is it necessary to go into that,Hugh?Wouldn't it be useless as well as a little painful?Surely,going to Europe without one's husband is not an unusual thing in these days.Let it just be understood that Iwant to go,that the children have arrived at an age when it will do them good."I got up and began to walk up and down the room,while she watched me with a silent calm which was incomprehensible.In vain I summoned my faculties to meet it.

I had not thought her capable of such initiative.

"I can't see why you want to leave me,"I said at last,though with a full sense of the inadequacy of the remark,and a suspicion of its hypocrisy.

"That isn't quite true,"she answered."In the first place,you don't need me.I am not of the slightest use in your life,I haven't been a factor in it for years.You ought never to have married me,--it was all a terrible mistake.I began to realize that after we had been married a few months--even when we were on our wedding trip.But I was too inexperienced--perhaps too weak to acknowledge it to myself.In the last few years I have come to see it plainly.I should have been a fool if Ihadn't.I am not your wife in any real sense of the word,I cannot hold you,I cannot even interest you.It's a situation that no woman with self-respect can endure.""Aren't those rather modern sentiments,for you,Maude?"I said.

She flushed a little,but otherwise retained her remarkable composure.

"I don't care whether they are 'modern'or not,I only know that my position has become impossible."I walked to the other end of the room,and stood facing the carefully drawn curtains of the windows;fantastically,they seemed to represent the impasse to which my mind had come.Did she intend,ultimately,to get a divorce?I dared not ask her.The word rang horribly in my ears,though unpronounced;and I knew then that I lacked her courage,and the knowledge was part of my agony.

I turned.

"Don't you think you've overdrawn things,Maude exaggerated them?No marriages are perfect.You've let your mind dwell until it has become inflamed on matters which really don't amount to much.""I was never saner,Hugh,"she replied instantly.And indeed I was forced to confess that she looked it.That new Maude I had seen emerging of late years seemed now to have found herself;she was no longer the woman I had married,--yielding,willing to overlook,anxious to please,living in me.

"I don't influence you,or help you in any way.I never have.""Oh,that's not true,"I protested.

But she cut me short,going on inexorably:--"I am merely your housekeeper,and rather a poor one at that,from your point of view.You ignore me.I am not blaming you for it--you are made that way.It's true that you have always supported me in luxury,--that might have been enough for another woman.It isn't enough for me--I,too,have a life to live,a soul to be responsible for.It's not for my sake so much as for the children's that I don't want it to be crushed.""Crushed!"I repeated.

"Yes.You are stifling it.I say again that I'm not blaming you,Hugh.

You are made differently from me.All you care for,really,is your career.You may think that you care,at times,for--other things,but it isn't so."I took,involuntarily,a deep breath.Would she mention Nancy?Was it in reality Nancy who had brought about this crisis?And did Maude suspect the closeness of that relationship?