第71章 CHAPTER X(5)

"These are advantages which would turn to real account, when we actually commenced a school; and, if Emily could share them with me, we could take a footing in the world afterwards which we can never do now. I say Emily instead of Anne; for Anne might take her turn at some future period, if our school answered. I feel certain, while I am writing, that you will see the propriety of what I say. You always like to use your money to the best advantage. You are not fond of making shabby purchases; when you do confer a favour, it is often done in style; and depend upon it, 50L., or 100L., thus laid out, would be well employed. Of course, I know no other friend in the world to whom I could apply on this subject except yourself. I feel an absolute conviction that, if this advantage were allowed us, it would be the making of us for life. Papa will, perhaps, think it a wild and ambitious scheme;but who ever rose in the world without ambition? When he left Ireland to go to Cambridge University, he was as ambitious as I am now. I want us ALL to get on. I know we have talents, and I want them to be turned to account. I look to you, aunt, to help us. Ithink you will not refuse. I know, if you consent, it shall not be my fault if you ever repent your kindness."This letter was written from the house in which she was residing as governess. It was some little time before an answer came.

Much had to be talked over between the father and aunt in Haworth Parsonage. At last consent was given. Then, and not till then, she confided her plan to an intimate friend. She was not one to talk over-much about any project, while it remained uncertain--to speak about her labour, in any direction, while its result was doubtful.

"Nov. 2nd, 1841.

"Now let us begin to quarrel. In the first place, I must consider whether I will commence operations on the defensive, or the offensive. The defensive, I think. You say, and I see plainly, that your feelings have been hurt by an apparent want of confidence on my part. You heard from others of Miss W-'s overtures before I communicated them to you myself. This is true.

I was deliberating on plans important to my future prospects. Inever exchanged a letter with you on the subject. True again.

This appears strange conduct to a friend, near and dear, long-known, and never found wanting. Most true. I cannot give you my EXCUSES for this behaviour; this word EXCUSE implies confession of a fault, and I do not feel that I have been in fault. The plain fact is, I WAS not, I am not now, certain of my destiny. On the contrary, I have been most uncertain, perplexed with contradictory schemes and proposals. My time, as I have often told you, is fully occupied; yet I had many letters to write, which it was absolutely necessary should be written. I knew it would avail nothing to write to you then to say I was in doubt and uncertainty--hoping this, fearing that, anxious, eagerly desirous to do what seemed impossible to be done. When I thought of you in that busy interval, it was to resolve, that you should know all when my way was clear, and my grand end attained. If I could, Iwould always work in silence and obscurity, and let my efforts be known by their results. Miss W- did most kindly propose that Ishould come to Dewsbury Moor and attempt to revive the school her sister had relinquished. She offered me the use of her furniture.