第8章 HOW TO FAIL IN LITERATURE(7)

You will thus have done what in you lies to secure silence from reviewers,and to make them request that your story may be sent to some other critic.This,again,gives trouble,and makes people detest you and your performance,and contributes to the end which you have steadily in view.

I do not think it is necessary to warn young lady novelists,who possess beauty,wealth,and titles,against asking Reviewers to dine,and treating them as kindly,almost,as the Fairy Paribanou treated Prince Ahmed.They only act thus,I fear,in Mr.William Black's novels.

Much may be done by re-writing your book on the proof sheets,correcting everything there which you should have corrected in manu.This is an expensive process,and will greatly diminish your pecuniary gains,or rather will add to your publisher's bill,for the odds are that you will have to publish at your own expense.

By the way,an author can make almost a certainty of disastrous failure,by carrying to some small obscure publisher a work which has been rejected by the best people in the trade.Their rejections all but demonstrate that your book is worthless.If you think you are likely to make a good thing by employing an obscure publisher,with little or no capital,then,as some one in Thucydides remarks,congratulating you on your simplicity,I do not envy your want of common sense.Be very careful to enter into a perfectly preposterous agreement.For example,accept "half profits,"but forget to observe that before these are reckoned,it is distinctly stated in your "agreement"that the publisher is to pay HIMSELF some twenty per cent.on the price of each copy sold before you get your share.

Here is "another way,"as the cookery books have it.In your gratitude to your first publisher,covenant with him to let him have all the cheap editions of all your novels for the next five years,at his own terms.If,in spite of the advice I have given you,you somehow manage to succeed,to become wildly popular,you will still have reserved to yourself,by this ingenious clause,a chance of ineffable pecuniary failure.A plan generally approved of is to sell your entire copyright in your book for a very small sum.You want the ready money,and perhaps you are not very hopeful.But,when your book is in all men's hands,when you are daily reviled by the small fry of paragraphers,when the publisher is clearing a thousand a year by it,while you only got a hundred down,then you will thank me,and will acknowledge that,in spite of apparent success,you are a failure after all.There are publishers,however,so inconsiderate that they will not leave you even this consolation.Finding that the book they bought cheap is really valuable,they will insist on sharing the profits with the author,or on making him great presents of money to which he has no legal claim.Some persons,some authors,cannot fail if they would,so wayward is fortune,and such a Quixotic idea of honesty have some middlemen of literature.But,of course,you MAY light on a publisher who will not give you MORE than you covenanted for,and then you can go about denouncing the whole profession as a congregation of robbers and clerks of St.Nicholas.

The ways of failure are infinite,and of course are not nearly exhausted.One good plan is never to be yourself when you write,to put in nothing of your own temperament,manner,character--or to have none,which does as well.Another favourite method is to offer the wrong kind of article,to send to the Cornhill an essay on the evolution of the Hittite syllabary,(for only one author could make THAT popular;)or a sketch of cock fighting among the ancients to the Monthly Record;or an essay on Ayahs in India to an American magazine;or a biography of Washington or Lincoln to any English magazine whatever.We have them every month in some American periodicals,and our poor insular serials can get on without them:

"Have no use for them."

It is a minor,though valuable scheme,to send poems on Christmas to magazines about the beginning of December,because,in fact,the editors have laid in their stock of that kind of thing earlier.

Always insist on SEEING an editor,instead of writing to him.There is nothing he hates so much,unless you are very young and beautiful indeed,when,perhaps,if you wish to fail you had better NOT pay him a visit at the office.Even if you do,even if you were as fair as the Golden Helen,he is not likely to put in your compositions if,as is probable,they fall MUCH below the level of his magazine.

A good way of making yourself a dead failure is to go about accusing successful people of plagiarising from books or articles of yours which did not succeed,and,perhaps,were never published at all.By encouraging this kind of vanity and spite you may entirely destroy any small powers you once happened to possess,you will,besides,become a person with a grievance,and,in the long run,will be shunned even by your fellow failures.Again,you may plagiarise yourself,if you can,it is not easy,but it is a safe way to fail if you can manage it.No successful person,perhaps,was ever,in the strict sense,a plagiarist,though charges of plagiary are always brought against everybody,from Virgil to Milton,from Scott to Moliere,who attains success.When you are accused of being a plagiarist,and shewn up in double columns,you may be pretty sure that all this counsel has been wasted on you,and that you have failed to fail,after all.Otherwise nobody would envy and malign you,and garble your book,and print quotations from it which you did not write,all in the sacred cause of morality.