第103章 THE DISCOVERY(2)

It brought before her eyes the spectre of a worn-out woman knocking at a door which she would not open;and she shrank from contemplating it.Yet it was better for Yeobright himself when he spoke openly of his sharp regret, for in silence he endured infinitely more, and would sometimes remain so long in a tense, brooding mood, consuming himself by the gnawing of his thought, that it was imperatively necessary to make him talk aloud, that his grief might in some degree expend itself in the effort.

Eustacia had not been long indoors after her look at the moonlight when a soft footstep came up to the house, and Thomasin was announced by the woman downstairs.

"Ah, Thomasin! Thank you for coming tonight," said Clym when she entered the room."Here am I, you see.

Such a wretched spectacle am I, that I shrink from being seen by a single friend, and almost from you.""You must not shrink from me, dear Clym," said Thomasin earnestly, in that sweet voice of hers which came to a sufferer like fresh air into a Black Hole.

"Nothing in you can ever shock me or drive me away.

I have been here before, but you don't remember it.""Yes, I do; I am not delirious, Thomasin, nor have Ibeen so at all.Don't you believe that if they say so.

I am only in great misery at what I have done, and that, with the weakness, makes me seem mad.But it has not upset my reason.Do you think I should remember all about my mother's death if I were out of my mind? No such good luck.

Two months and a half, Thomasin, the last of her life, did my poor mother live alone, distracted and mourning because of me;yet she was unvisited by me, though I was living only six miles off.Two months and a half--seventy-five days did the sun rise and set upon her in that deserted state which a dog didn't deserve! Poor people who had nothing in common with her would have cared for her, and visited her had they known her sickness and loneliness; but I, who should have been all to her, stayed away like a cur.

If there is any justice in God let Him kill me now.

He has nearly blinded me, but that is not enough.

If He would only strike me with more pain I would believe in Him forever!""Hush, hush! O, pray, Clym, don't, don't say it!"implored Thomasin, affrighted into sobs and tears;while Eustacia, at the other side of the room, though her pale face remained calm, writhed in her chair.

Clym went on without heeding his cousin.

"But I am not worth receiving further proof even of Heaven's reprobation.Do you think, Thomasin, that she knew me--that she did not die in that horrid mistaken notion about my not forgiving her, which I can't tell you how she acquired? If you could only assure me of that! Do you think so, Eustacia? Do speak to me.""I think I can assure you that she knew better at last,"said Thomasin.The pallid Eustacia said nothing.

"Why didn't she come to my house? I would have taken her in and showed her how I loved her in spite of all.

But she never came; and I didn't go to her, and she died on the heath like an animal kicked out, nobody to help her till it was too late.If you could have seen her, Thomasin, as I saw her--a poor dying woman, lying in the dark upon the bare ground, moaning, nobody near, believing she was utterly deserted by all the world, it would have moved you to anguish, it would have moved a brute.And this poor woman my mother! No wonder she said to the child, 'You have seen a broken-hearted woman.'

What a state she must have been brought to, to say that! and who can have done it but I? It is too dreadful to think of, and I wish I could be punished more heavily than I am.

How long was I what they called out of my senses?""A week, I think."

"And then I became calm."

"Yes, for four days."

"And now I have left off being calm."

"But try to be quiet--please do, and you will soon be strong.

If you could remove that impression from your mind--""Yes, yes," he said impatiently."But I don't want to get strong.What's the use of my getting well? It would be better for me if I die, and it would certainly be better for Eustacia.Is Eustacia there?""Yes."

"It would be better for you, Eustacia, if I were to die?""Don't press such a question, dear Clym.""Well, it really is but a shadowy supposition;for unfortunately I am going to live.I feel myself getting better.Thomasin, how long are you going to stay at the inn, now that all this money has come to your husband?""Another month or two, probably; until my illness is over.

We cannot get off till then.I think it will be a month or more.""Yes, yes.Of course.Ah, Cousin Tamsie, you will get over your trouble--one little month will take you through it, and bring something to console you; but I shall never get over mine, and no consolation will come!""Clym, you are unjust to yourself.Depend upon it, Aunt thought kindly of you.I know that, if she had lived, you would have been reconciled with her.""But she didn't come to see me, though I asked her, before I married, if she would come.Had she come, or had I gone there, she would never have died saying, 'I am a broken-hearted woman, cast off by my son.' My door has always been open to her--a welcome here has always awaited her.But that she never came to see.""You had better not talk any more now, Clym," said Eustacia faintly from the other part of the room, for the scene was growing intolerable to her.

"Let me talk to you instead for the little time I shall be here," Thomasin said soothingly."Consider what a one-sided way you have of looking at the matter, Clym.

When she said that to the little boy you had not found her and taken her into your arms; and it might have been uttered in a moment of bitterness.It was rather like Aunt to say things in haste.She sometimes used to speak so to me.

Though she did not come I am convinced that she thought of coming to see you.Do you suppose a man's mother could live two or three months without one forgiving thought?