第91章

"He was at an age (when I was under his care) when men are usually supposed to regard women with tranquillity, if not with indifference.It had been the habit of years with me to look on him as my second father.In my innocent ignorance of the feeling which really inspired him, I permitted him to indulge in little paternal familiarities with me, which inflamed his guilty passion.His wife discovered him--not I.No words can describe my astonishment and my horror when the first outbreak of her indignation forced on me the knowledge of the truth.On my knees I declared myself guiltless.On my knees I implored her to do justice to my purity and my youth.At other times the sweetest and the most considerate of women, jealousy had now transformed her to a perfect fury.She accused me of deliberately encouraging him; she declared she would turn me out of the house with her own hands.Like other easy-tempered men, her husband had reserves of anger in him which it was dangerous to provoke.When his wife lifted her hand against me, he lost all self-control, on his side.He openly told her that life was worth nothing to him without me.He openly avowed his resolution to go with me when I left the house.The maddened woman seized him by the arm--I saw that, and saw no more.I ran out into the street, panic-stricken.A cab was passing.I got into it before he could open the house door, and drove to the only place of refuge I could think of--a small shop, kept by the widowed sister of one of our servants.Here I obtained shelter for the night.The next day he discovered me.He made his vile proposals; he offered me the whole of his fortune; he declared his resolution, say what I might, to return the next day.That night, by help of the good woman who had taken care of me-- under cover of the darkness, as if I had been to blame!--I was secretly removed to the East End of London, and placed under the charge of a trustworthy person who lived, in a very humble way, by letting lodgings.

"Here, in a little back garret at the top of the house, I was thrown again on the world-- an age when it was doubly perilous for me to be left to my own resources to earn the bread I ate and the roof that covered me.

"I claim no credit to myself--young as I was, placed as I was between the easy life of Vice and the hard life of Virtue--for acting as I did.The man simply horrified me: my natural impulse was to escape from him.But let it be remem bered, before I approach the saddest part of my sad story, that I was an innocent girl, and that I was at least not to blame.

"Forgive me for dwelling as I have done on my early years.I shrink from speaking of the events that are still to come.

"In losing the esteem of my first benefactress, I had, in my friendless position, lost all hold on an honest life--except the one frail hold of needle-work.The only reference of which I could now dispose was the recommendation of me by my landlady to a place of business which largely employed expert needle-women.It is needless for me to tell you how miserably work of that sort is remunerated: you have read about it in the newspapers.As long as my health lasted I contrived to live and to keep out of debt.Few girls could have resisted as long as I did the slowly-poisoning influences of crowded work-room, insufficient nourishment, and almost total privation of exercise.My life as a child had been a life in the open air: it had helped to strengthen a constitution naturally hardy, naturally free from all taint of hereditary disease.But my time came at last.Under the cruel stress laid on it my health gave way.I was struck down by low fever, and sentence was pronounced on me by my fellow-lodgers: 'Ah, poor thing, her troubles will soon be at an end!'

"The prediction might have proved true--I might never have committed the errors and endured the sufferings of after years--if I had fallen ill in another house.

"But it was my good, or my evil, fortune--I dare not say which--to have interested in myself and my sorrows an actress at a suburban theatre, who occupied the room under mine.Except when her stage duties took her away for two or three hours in the evening, this noble creature never left my bedside.Ill as she could afford it, her purse paid my inevitable expenses while I lay helpless.The landlady, moved by her example, accepted half the weekly rent of my room.The doctor, with the Christian kindness of his profession, would take no fees.All that the tenderest care could accomplish was lavished on me; my youth and my constitution did the rest.I struggled back to life--and then I took up my needle again.

"It may surprise you that I should have failed (having an actress for my dearest friend) to use the means of introduction thus offered to me to try the stage--especially as my childish training had given me, in some small degree, a familiarity with the Art.

"I had only one motive for shrinking from an appearance at the theatre--but it was strong enough to induce me to submit to any alternative that remained, no matter how hopeless it might be.If I showed myself on the public stage, my discovery by the man from whom I had escaped would be only a question of time.I knew him to be habitually a play-goer and a subscriber to a theatrical newspaper.I had even heard him speak of the theatre to which my friend was attached, and compare it advantageously with places of amusement of far higher pretensions.Sooner or later, if I joined the company he would be certain to go and see 'the new actress.' The bare thought of it reconciled me to returning to my needle.Before I was strong enough to endure the atmosphere of the crowded workroom I obtained permission, as a favor, to resume my occupation at home.

"Surely my choice was the choice of a virtuous girl? And yet the day when I returned to my needle was the fatal day of my life.