第58章

She looked at him pathetically.``But what shall Ido?'' she asked.``I've got no money, no experience, no sense.I'm a vain, luxury-loving fool, cursed with a--with a--is it a conscience?''

``I hope it's something more substantial.I hope it's common sense.''

``But I have been working--honestly I have.''

``Don't begin lying to yourself again.''

``Don't be harsh with me.''

He drew in his legs, in preparation for rising--no doubt to go away.

``I don't mean that,'' she cried testily.``You are not harsh with me.It's the truth that's harsh--the truth I'm beginning to see--and feel.I am afraid--afraid.I haven't the courage to face it.''

``Why whine?'' said he.``There's nothing in that.''

``Do you think there's any hope for me?''

``That depends,'' said he.

``On what?''

``On what you want.''

``I want to be a singer, a great singer.''

``No, there's no hope.''

She grew cold with despair.He had a way of saying a thing that gave it the full weight of a verdict from which there was no appeal.

``Now, if you wanted to make a living,'' he went on, ``and if you were determined to learn to sing as well as you could, with the idea that you might be able to make a living--why, then there might be hope.''

``You think I can sing?''

``I never heard you.Can you?''

``They say I can.''

``What do YOU say?''

``I don't know,'' she confessed.``I've never been able to judge.Sometimes I think I'm singing well, and I find out afterward that I've sung badly.Again, it's the other way.''

``Then, obviously, what's the first thing to do?''

``To learn to judge myself,'' said she.``I never thought of it before--how important that is.Do you know Jennings--Eugene Jennings?''

``The singing teacher? No.''

``Is he a good teacher?''

``No.''

``Why not?''

``Because he has not taught you that you will never sing until you are your own teacher.Because he has not taught you that singing is a small and minor part of a career as a singer.''

``But it isn't,'' protested she.

A long silence.Looking at him, she felt that he had dismissed her and her affairs from his mind.

``Is it?'' she said, to bring him back.

``What?'' asked he vaguely.

``You said that a singer didn't have to be able to sing.''

``Did I?'' He glanced down the shore toward the house.``It feels like lunch-time.'' He rose.

``What did you mean by what you said?''

``When you have thought about your case a while longer, we'll talk of it again--if you wish.But until you've thought, talking is a waste of time.''

She rose, stood staring out to sea.He was observing her, a faint smile about his lips.He said:

``Why bother about a career? After all, kept woman is a thoroughly respectable occupation--or can be made so by any preacher or justice of the peace.

It's followed by many of our best women--those who pride themselves on their high characters--and on their pride.''

``I could not belong to a man unless I cared for him,''

said she.``I tried it once.I shall never do it again.''

``That sounds fine,'' said he.``Let's go to lunch.''

``You don't believe me?''

``Do you?''

She sank down upon the sand and burst into a wild passion of sobs and tears.When her fight for self-control was over and she looked up to apologize for her pitiful exhibition of weakness--and to note whether she had made an impression upon his sympathies--she saw him just entering the house, a quarter of a mile away.To anger succeeded a mood of desperate forlornness.She fell upon herself with gloomy ferocity.

She could not sing.She had no brains.She was taking money--a disgracefully large amount of money--from Stanley Baird under false pretenses.How could she hope to sing when her voice could not be relied upon?

Was not her throat at that very moment slightly sore?

Was it not always going queer? She--sing! Absurd.

Did Stanley Baird suspect? Was he waiting for the time when she would gladly accept what she must have from him, on his own terms? No, not on his terms, but on the terms she herself would arrange--the only terms she could make.No, Stanley believed in her absolutely--believed in her career.When he discovered the truth, he would lose interest in her, would regard her as a poor, worthless creature, would be eager to rid himself of her.Instead of returning to the house, she went in the opposite direction, made a circuit and buried herself in the woods beyond the Shrewsbury.She was mad to get away from her own company; but the only company she could fly to was more depressing than the solitude and the taunt and sneer and lash of her own thoughts.It was late in the afternoon before she nerved herself to go home.She hoped the others would have gone off somewhere; but they were waiting for her, Stanley anxious and Cyrilla Brindley irritated.Her eyes sought Keith.He was, as usual, the indifferent spectator.

``Where have you been?'' cried Stanley.

``Making up my mind,'' said she in the tone that forewarns of a storm.

A brief pause.She struggled in vain against an impulse to look at Keith.When her eyes turned in his direction he, not looking at her, moved in his listless way toward the door.Said he:

``The auto's waiting.Come on.''

She vacillated, yielded, began to put on the wraps Stanley was collecting for her.It was a big touring-car, and they sat two and two, with the chauffeur alone.

Keith was beside Mildred.When they were under way, she said:

``Why did you stop me? Perhaps I'll never have the courage again.''

``Courage for what?'' asked he.

``To take your advice, and break off.''

``MY advice?''

``Yes, your advice.''

``You have to clutch at and cling to somebody, don't you? You can't bear the idea of standing up by your own strength.''

``You think I'm trying to fasten to you?'' she said, with an angry laugh.

``I know it.You admitted it.You are not satisfied with the way things are going.You have doubts about your career.You shrink from your only comfortable alternative, if the career winks out.You ask me my opinion about yourself and about careers.I give it.