第60章

"What did you expect her to do when you left her?""She could have gone back to Stroeve," he said irritably."He was ready to take her.""You're inhuman," I answered."It's as useless to talk to you about these things as to describe colours to a man who was born blind."He stopped in front of my chair, and stood looking down at me with an expression in which I read a contemptuous amazement.

"Do you really care a twopenny damn if Blanche Stroeve is alive or dead?"I thought over his question, for I wanted to answer it truthfully, at all events to my soul.

"It may be a lack of sympathy in myself if it does not make any great difference to me that she is dead.Life had a great deal to offer her.I think it's terrible that she should have been deprived of it in that cruel way, and I am ashamed because I do not really care.""You have not the courage of your convictions.Life has no value.Blanche Stroeve didn't commit suicide because I left her, but because she was a foolish and unbalanced woman.But we've talked about her quite enough; she was an entirely unimportant person.Come, and I'll show you my pictures."He spoke as though I were a child that needed to be distracted.I was sore, but not with him so much as with myself.I thought of the happy life that pair had led in the cosy studio in Montmartre, Stroeve and his wife, their simplicity, kindness, and hospitality; it seemed to me cruel that it should have been broken to pieces by a ruthless chance; but the cruellest thing of all was that in fact it made no great difference.The world went on, and no one was a penny the worse for all that wretchedness.I had an idea that Dirk, a man of greater emotional reactions than depth of feeling, would soon forget; and Blanche's life, begun with who knows what bright hopes and what dreams, might just as well have never been lived.It all seemed useless and inane.

Strickland had found his hat, and stood looking at me.

"Are you coming?"

"Why do you seek my acquaintance?" I asked him."You know that I hate and despise you."He chuckled good-humouredly.

"Your only quarrel with me really is that I don't care a twopenny damn what you think about me."I felt my cheeks grow red with sudden anger.It was impossible to make him understand that one might be outraged by his callous selfishness.I longed to pierce his armour of complete indifference. I knew also that in the end there was truth in what he said.Unconsciously, perhaps, we treasure the power we have over people by their regard for our opinion of them, and we hate those upon whom we have no such influence.I suppose it is the bitterest wound to human pride.But I would not let him see that I was put out.

"Is it possible for any man to disregard others entirely?" I said, though more to myself than to him."You're dependent on others for everything in existence.It's a preposterous attempt to try to live only for yourself and by yourself.Sooner or later you'll be ill and tired and old, and then you'll crawl back into the herd.Won't you be ashamed when you feel in your heart the desire for comfort and sympathy? You're trying an impossible thing.Sooner or later the human being in you will yearn for the common bonds of humanity.""Come and look at my pictures." "Have you ever thought of death?" "Why should I? It doesn't matter."I stared at him.He stood before me, motionless, with a mocking smile in his eyes; but for all that, for a moment I had an inkling of a fiery, tortured spirit, aiming at something greater than could be conceived by anything that was bound up with the flesh.I had a fleeting glimpse of a pursuit of the ineffable.I looked at the man before me in his shabby clothes, with his great nose and shining eyes, his red beard and untidy hair; and I had a strange sensation that it was only an envelope, and I was in the presence of a disembodied spirit.

"Let us go and look at your pictures," I said.