第39章

Such was the only friend lady Arctura had. But the conscience and heart of the younger woman were alive to a degree that boded ill either for the doctrine that stinted their growth， or the nature unable to cast it off. Miss Carmichael was a woman about six-and-twenty--and had been a woman， like too many Scotch girls， long before she was out of her teens--a human flower cut and dried--an unpleasant specimen， and by no means valuable from its scarcity. Self-sufficient， assured， with scarce shyness enough for modesty， handsome and hard， she was essentially a self-glorious Philistine； nor would she be anything better till something was sent to humble her， though what spiritual engine might be equal to the task was not for man to imagine. She was clever， but her cleverness made nobody happier； she had great confidence， but her confidence gave courage to no one， and took it from many； she had little fancy， and less imagination than any other I ever knew. The divine wonder was， that she had not yet driven the delicate， truth-loving Arctura mad. From her childhood she had had the ordering of all her opinions： whatever Sophy Carmichael said， lady Arctura never thought of questioning. A lie is indeed a thing in its nature unbelievable， but there is a false belief always ready to receive the false truth， and there is no end to the mischief the two can work. The awful punishment of untruth in the inward parts is that the man is given over to believe a lie.

Lady Arctura was in herself a gentle creature who shrank from either giving or receiving a rough touch； but she had an inherited pride， by herself unrecognized as such， which made her capable of hurting as well as being hurt. Next to the doctrines of the Scottish church， she respected her own family： it had in truth no other claim to respect than that its little good and much evil had been done before the eyes of a large part of many generations--whence she was born to think herself distinguished， and to imagine a claim for the acknowledgment of distinction upon all except those of greatly higher rank than her own. This inborn arrogance was in some degree modified by respect for the writers of certain books--not one of whom was of any regard in the eyes of the thinkers of the age. Of any writers of power， beyond those of the Bible， either in this country or another， she knew nothing. Yet she had a real instinct for what was good in literature； and of the writers to whom I have referred she not only liked the worthiest best， but liked best their best things. I need hardly say they were all religious writers； for the keen conscience and obedient heart of the girl had made her very early turn herself towards the quarter where the sun ought to rise， the quarter where all night long gleams the auroral hope； but unhappily she had not gone direct to the heavenly well in earthly ground--the words of the Master himself. How could she？ From very childhood her mind had been filled with traditionary utterances concerning the divine character and the divine plans--the merest inventions of men far more desirous of understanding what they were not required to understand， than of doing what they were required to do--whence their crude and false utterances concerning a God of their own fancy--in whom it was a good man's duty， in the name of any possible God， to disbelieve； and just because she was true， authority had immense power over her. The very sweetness of their nature forbids such to doubt the fitness of others.

She had besides had a governess of the orthodox type， a large proportion of whose teaching was of the worst heresy， for it was lies against him who is light， and in whom is no darkness at all； her doctrines were so many smoked glasses held up between the mind of her pupil and the glory of the living God； nor had she once directed her gaze to the very likeness of God， the face of Jesus Christ. Had Arctura set herself to understand him the knowledge of whom is eternal life， she would have believed none of these false reports of him， but she had not yet met with any one to help her to cast aside the doctrines of men， and go face to face with the Son of Man， the visible God. First lie of all， she had been taught that she must believe so and so before God would let her come near him or listen to her. The old cobbler could have taught her differently； but she would have thought it improper to hold conversation with such a man， even if she had known him for the best man in Auchars.

She was in sore and sad earnest to believe as she was told she must believe； therefore instead of beginning to do what Jesus Christ said， she tried hard to imagine herself one of the chosen， tried hard to believe herself the chief of sinners. There was no one to tell her that it is only the man who sees something of the glory of God， the height and depth and breadth and length of his love and unselfishness， not a child dabbling in stupid doctrines， that can feel like St. Paul. She tried to feel that she deserved to be burned in hell for ever and ever， and that it was boundlessly good of God--who made her so that she could not help being a sinner--to give her the least chance of escaping it. She tried to feel that， though she could not be saved without something which the God of perfect love could give her if he pleased， but might not please to give her， yet if she was not saved it would be all her own fault： and so ever the round of a great miserable treadmill of contradictions！ For a moment she would be able to say this or that she thought she ought to say； the next the feeling would be gone， and she as miserable as before. Her friend made no attempt to imbue her with her own calm indifference， nor could she have succeeded had she attempted it.

But though she had never been troubled herself， and that because she had never been in earnest， she did not find it the less easy to take upon her the r鬺e of a spiritual adviser， and gave no end of counsel for the attainment of assurance. She told her truly enough that all her trouble came of want of faith； but she showed her no one fit to believe in.