第8章 离奇事件(1)
1 A Branch
A man was standing at a corner，with a hat in each hand，waiting for handouts.A passerby stopped and dropped a coin in one hat，then asked，"What's the other hat for？"
"Business has been so tremendous lately，"the man replied，"that I decided to open a branch."
分店
一个人站在街角，两手各拿一顶帽子，等待施舍。一个路人经过，往一只帽子里放了一枚硬币，然后问：“另一只帽子用来做什么呢？”
“最近生意特别好，”那个人答道，“所以我决定开一家分店。”
2 Church Talk
A preacher decided to sell his horse.A prospective buyer was impressed with the animal，but the preacher said，"I must warn you-he only responds to'church talk'.Go is'Praise the Lord'，and stop is'Hallelujah'."
"I've worked with horses all my life，"said the buyer，"and I've never heard of anything like this."Mounting the horse，he said skeptically，"Praise the Lord."The horse began to trot.He repeated"Praise the Lord"and the horse broke into a gallop.Suddenly the buyer saw a cliff dead ahead.Frantic，he yelled"Hallelujah"，and they came to a stop two foot from the edge.
Wiping the sweat from his brow，the buyer said，"Praise the Lord！"
教堂语言
传教士决定卖掉他的马。一个想买马的人看中了这匹马，但传教士说：“我必须警告你--他只懂'教堂语言'。走是'感谢上帝'，停是'哈利路亚'。”
“我一生都在同马打交道，”买马人说，“这样的事我还是第一次听到。”他跨上马，将信将疑地说：“感谢上帝。”马开始小跑。他重复说“感谢上帝”，马开始飞奔起来。突然，买马人看到前面是一个悬崖。他手忙脚乱，大声喊道：“哈利路亚。”他们在离悬崖只有两英尺的地方停了下来。
买马人擦了擦额上的汗，说道：“感谢上帝！”
3 Imitate Birds
A man tried to get a job in a stage show."What can you do？"asked the producer.
"Imitate birds."the man said.
"Are you kidding？"answered the producer，"People like that are a dime a dozen."
"Well，I guess that's that."said the actor，as he spread his arms and flew out the window.
模仿鸟儿
一个人想在一个舞台剧中找份工作。“你能干什么呢？”负责人问。
“模仿鸟儿。”那人说。
“你是开玩笑吗？”负责人答道，“那样的人一毛钱可以找一打。”
“哦，那就算了。”那位演员说着，展开翅膀飞出了窗口。
4 Belly Button
Mrs.Bruce：Here I am again，doctor，for my face‐lifting operation.
Dr.Carlos，the plastic surgeon：I've got bad news for you.You have had your face‐lifted once too many.I'm afraid，I can't do it any more."
Mrs.Bruce：Why not，doctor？Why not？
Dr.Carlos：I'll tell you why not.See the dimple on your cheek？Originally that was your belly button.
肚脐
布鲁斯太太：医生，我又来了，再给我做个整形吧！
整形医生卡洛斯：很遗憾，您的整形手术做得太多了，恐怕不能再做了。”
布鲁斯太太：怎么不能做了呢？为什么呢？
卡洛斯医生：原因是这样的，你看你脸上不是有酒窝吗，其实这是你的肚脐。
5 Things Have Been Okay
A young couple were becoming anxious about their five‐year‐old son，who had not yet talked.They took him to specialists，but the doctors found nothing wrong with him.
Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted，"
Mom，the toast is burned."
"You talked！ You talked！"Shouted his mother."I'm so happy！ But why has it taken this long？"
"Well，up till now，"said the boy，"things have been okay."
一切还算正常
一对年轻夫妇有个儿子，已经五岁了，还没有开口说话，他们对此深感焦虑。他们带他去找专家诊治，但医生们总觉得他没有毛病。
后来有一天早上吃早餐时，那孩子突然开口了：“妈妈，面包烤焦了。”
“你说话了！你说话了！”他母亲叫了起来，“我太高兴了！但为什么现在才开口说话呢？”
“哦，在这之前，”那男孩说，“一切都很正常。”
6 Chaude and Cold
A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.
"This is an outrage."she complained，"The faucet marked C gave me boiling water."
"But，Madam，C stands for chaude-French for hot.You should know that if You live in Montreal."
"Wait a minute."roared the patron，"The other tap is also marked C."
"Of course，"said the manager，"It stands for cold.After all，Montreal is a bilingual city."
热与冷
蒙特利尔自助餐厅的一位顾客拧开盥洗室的龙头，结果被水烫伤了。
“这太可恶了，”她抱怨道，“标着C的龙头流出的是开水。”
“可是，女士，C代表Chaude--法语里代表'热'，如果您居住在蒙特利尔的话就得知道这一点。”
“等等，”那位顾客咆哮道，“另外一个龙头同样标的是C。”
“当然，”经理说道，“它代表'冷'。毕竟，蒙特利尔是个双语城市。”
7 Rain
A store manager heard his clerk tell a customer，"No，madam，we haven't had any for a while，and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."
The manager came running over to the customer and said，"of course we'll have some soon.We placed an order last week."
Then the manager drew the clerk aside."Never say we are out of anything-say we've got it on order and it's coming at once.Now what was it she wanted？"
"Rain."said the clerk.
雨
商店经理听见店员对一名顾客说：“不，太太，这会儿还没有，看来也不会马上就有。”
经理跑过去对那个顾客说：“我们肯定马上就会有的。我们上周就订了货。”
随后，经理把店员拉到一边。“千万不要说我们没有--就说我们已经订了货，货马上就会到。她想要什么？”
“雨。”店员说。
8 Horse
A farmer went to hunt with a horse and a dog.They had walked a whole day and nothing was available.The farmer planned to continue.That horse said suddenly，"We have walked for one day.Do you want to wear me out？"
The farmer and the hunting dog were frightened and ran away.They ran up to a tree.The hunting dog struck its chest and said，"Oh，it almost scared me to death.The horse can speak."
At the end，the farmer died from fright.
马
一个农夫带着一匹马和一只狗去打猎，他们走了一整天，但什么也没打到。农夫决定继续走。突然，那匹马说：“我们都走了一天了，你想累死我吗？”
农夫和猎狗吓得撒腿就跑，他们跑到一棵树下，猎狗拍着胸脯说：“吓死我了，马会说话。”
结果，农夫被吓死了。
9 The Child May Stay
One afternoon while I was talking to a professor.my two‐year‐old daughter，Dora，wandered into a nearby classroom.There was a math class in progress and to my dismay，Dora sat down in front row.
When I went in to get her，the instructor stopped me."Young lady，"he said，"I have been teaching calculus at this college for over ten years.In that time，not once has anyone come to my class just because he or she wanted to.The child may stay."
孩子可以留下
一天下午，我和一位教授谈话时，两岁的女儿多拉走进了旁边的一间教室。教室里正在上数学课。让我惊慌的是，多拉居然在第一排坐了下来。
当我进去叫她时，那个正在讲课的老师拦住我说：“小姐，我在这所大学教微积分十多年了。这期间，还从来没有一个学生主动来听我讲课呢。孩子可以留下。”
10 A Car Accident
An American，a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident.They arrived at the gate of heaven，where a flustered St.Peter explained that there had been a mistake.
"Give me＄1000 each，"he said，"and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened."
"Done！"said the American.Instantly he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.
"Where are the others？"asked a medic.
"Last I knew，"said the American，"the Scot was haggling price，and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay."
车祸
一名美国人、一名苏格兰人和一名加拿大人在一次车祸中死了。他们到了天堂门口，神色慌张的圣彼得却在那里解释说这是一次失误。
“每个人给我一千美元，”他说，“然后我就把你们送回地球，就像什么也没发生。”
“行！”美国人说，他即刻就发现自己完好无损地站在了车祸现场附近。
“其他人在哪里？”急救医生问道。