第32章

In the relating what is already past of my Story，this will be the more easily believ'd，when I shall add，that thro' all the Variety of Miseries that had to this Day befallen me，I never had so much as one Thought of it being the Hand of God，or that it was a just Punishment for my Sin；my rebellious Behaviour against my Father，or my present Sins which were great；or so much as a Punishment for the general Course of my wicked Life. When I was on the desperate Expedition on the desert Shores of Africa，I never had so as one Thought of what would become of me；or one to od to direct me whether I should go，or to keep me from the Danger which apparently surrounded me，as well from voracious Creatures as cruel Savages：But I was meerly thoughtless of a God，or a Providence；acted like a meer Brute from the Principles of Nature，and by the Dictates of common Sense only，and indeed hardly that.

When I was deliver'd and taken up at Sea by the Portugal

Captain，well us'd，and dealt justly and honourably with，as well as charitably，I had not the least Thankfulness on my Thoughts：When again I was shipwreck'd，ruin'd，and in Danger of drowning on this Island，I was as far from Remorse，or looking on it as a Judgment；I only said to my self often，that I was an unfortunate Dog，and born to be always miserable. It is true，when I got on Shore first here，and found all my Ship's Crew drown'd，and my self spar'd，I was surpriz'd with a Kind of Extasie，and some Transports of Soul，which，had the Grace of God assisted，might have come up to true Thankfulness；but it ended where it begun，in a meer common Flight of Joy，or as I may say，being glad I was alive，without the least Reflection upon the distinguishing Goodness of the Hand which had preserv'd me，and had singled me out to be preserv'd，when all the rest were destroy'd；or an Enquiry why Providence had been thus merciful to me；even just the same common Sort of Joy which Seamen generally have after they are got safe ashore from a Shipwreck，which they drown all in the next Bowl of Punch，and forget almost as soon as it is over，and all the rest of my Life was like it.

Even when I was afterwards，on due Consideration，made sensible of my Condition，how I was cast on this dreadful Place，out of the Reach of humane Kind，out of all Hope of Relief，or Prospect of Redemption，as soon as I saw but a Prospect of living，and that I should not starve and perish for Hunger，all the Sense of my Affliction wore off，and I begun to be very easy，apply'd my self to the Works proper for my Preservation and Supply，and was far enough from being afflicted at my Condition，as a Judgment from Heaven，or as the Hand of God against me；these were Thoughts which very seldom enter'd into my Head.

The growing up of the Corn，as is hinted in my Journal，had at first some little Influence upon me，and began to affect me with Seriousness，as long as I thought it had something miraculous in it；but as soon as ever that Part of the Thought was remov'd，all the Impression which was rais'd from it，wore off also，as I have noted already.

Even the Earthquake，tho' nothing could be more terrible in its Nature，or more immediately directing to the invisible Power which alone directs such Things，yet no sooner was the first Fright over，but the Impression it had made went off also. I had no more Sense of God or his Judgments，much less of the present Affliction of my Circumstances being from his Hand，than if I had been in the most prosperous Condition of Life.

But now when I began to be sick，and a leisurely View of the Miseries of Death came to place itself before me；when my Spirits began to sink under the Burthen of a strong Distemper，and Nature was exhausted with the Violence of the Feaver；Conscience that had slept so long，begun to awake，and I began to reproach my self with my past Life，in which I had so evidently，by uncommon Wickedness，provok'd the Justice of God to lay me under uncommon Strokes，and to deal with me in so vindictive a Manner.

These Reflections oppress'd me for the second or third Day of my Distemper，and in the Violence，as well of the Feaver，as of the dreadful Reproaches of my Conscience，extorted some Words from me，like praying to God，tho' I cannot say they were either a Prayer attended with Desires or with Hopes；it was rather the Voice of meer Fright and Distress；my Thoughts were confus'd，the Convictions great upon my Mind，and the Horror of dying in such a miserable Condition rais'd Vapours into my Head with the meer Apprehensions；and in these Hurries of my Soul，I know not what my Tongue might express：but it was rather Exclamation，such as，Lord！ what a miserable Creature am I？ If I should be sick，I shall certainly die for Want of Help，and what will become of me！ Then the Tears burst out of my Eyes，and I could say no more for a good while.

In this Interval，the good Advice of my Father came to my Mind，and presently his Prediction which I mention'd at the Beginning of this Story，viz. That if I did take this foolish Step，God would not bless me，and I would have Leisure hereafter to reflect upon having neglected his Counsel，when there might be none to assist in my Recovery. Now，said I aloud，My dear Father's Words are come to pass：God's Justice has overtaken me，and I have none to help or hear me：I rejected the Voice of Providence，which had mercifully put me in a Posture or Station of Life，wherein I might have been happy and easy；but I would neither see it my self，or learn to know the Blessing of it from my Parents；I left them to mourn over my Folly，and now I am left to mourn under the Consequences of it：I refus'd their Help and Assistance who wou'd have lifted me into the World，and wou'd have made every Thing easy to me，and now I have Difficulties to struggle with，too great for even Nature itself to support，and no Assistance，no Help，no Comfort，no Advice；then I cry'd out，Lord be my Help，for I am in great Distress.

This was the first Prayer，if I may call it so，that I had made for many Years：But 1 return to my Journal.