第114章

'I cannot give you credit for any philosophy of the kind. Your retrospections must be so totally void of reproach，that the contentment arising from them，is not of philosophy，but what is much better，of innocence.But with me，it is not so.Painful recollections will intrude，which cannot，which ought not to be repelled.I have been a selfish being all my life，in practice，though not in principle.As a child I was taught what was right，but I was not taught to correct my temper.I was given good principles，but left to follow them in pride and conceit.Unfortunately an only son，（for many years an only child）I was spoilt by my parents，who though good themselves，（my father particularly，all that was benevolent and amiable，）allowed，encouraged，almost taught me to be selfish and overbearing，to care for none beyond my own family circle，to think meanly of all the rest of the world，to wish at least to think meanly of their sense and worth compared with my own.Such I was，from eight to eight and twenty；and such I might still have been but for you，dearest，loveliest Elizabeth！What do I not owe you！You taught me a lesson，hard indeed at first，but most advantageous.By you，I was properly humbled.I came to you without a doubt of my reception.You shewed me how insufficient were all my pretensions to please a woman worthy of being pleased.'

'Had you then persuaded yourself that I should？'

'Indeed I had. What will you think of my vanity？I believed you to be wishing，expecting my addresses.'

'My manners must have been in fault，but not intentionally I assure you. I never meant to deceive you，but my spirits might often lead me wrong.How you must have hated me after that evening？'

'Hate you！I was angry perhaps at first，but my anger soon began to take a proper direction.'

'I am almost afraid of asking what you thought of me；when we met at Pemberley. You blamed me for coming？'

'No indeed；I felt nothing but surprise.'

'Your surprise could not be greater than mine in being noticed by you. My conscience told me that I deserved no extraordinary politeness，and I confess that I did not expect to receive more than my due.'

'My object then，'replied Darcy，'was to shew you，by every civility in my power，that I was not so mean as to resent the past；and I hoped to obtain your forgiveness，to lessen your ill opinion，by letting you see that your reproofs had been attended to. How soon any other wishes introduced themselves I can hardly tell，but I believe in about half an hour after I had seen you.'

He then told her of Georgiana's delight in her acquaintance，and of her disappointment at its sudden interruption；which naturally leading to the cause of that interruption，she soon learnt that his resolution of following her from Derbyshire in quest of her sister，had been formed before he quitted the inn，and that his gravity and thoughtfulness there，had arisen from no other struggles than what such a purpose must comprehend.

She expressed her gratitude again，but it was too painful a subject to each，to be dwelt on farther.

After walking several miles in a leisurely manner，and too busy to know any thing about it，they found at last，on examining their watches，that it was time to be at home.

'What could become of Mr. Bingley and Jane！'was a wonder which introduced the discussion of their affairs.Darcy was delighted with their engagement；his friend had given him the earliest information of it.

'I must ask whether you were surprised？'said Elizabeth.

'Not at all. When I went away，I felt that it would soon happen.'

'That is to say，you had given your permission. I guessed as much.'And though he exclaimed at the term，she found that it had been pretty much the case.

'On the evening before my going to London，'said he，'I made a confession to him，which I believe I ought to have made long ago. Itold him of all that had occurred to make my former interference in his affairs，absurd and impertinent.His surprise was great.He had never had the slightest suspicion.I told him，moreover，that I believed myself mistaken in supposing，as I had done，that your sister was indifferent to him；and as I could easily perceive that his attachment to her was unabated，I felt no doubt of their happiness together.'

Elizabeth could not help smiling at his easy manner of directing his friend.

'Did you speak from your own observation，'said she，'when you told him that my sister loved him，or merely from my information last spring？'

'From the former. I had narrowly observed her during the two visits which I had lately made here；and I was convinced of her affection.'

'And your assurance of it，I suppose，carried immediate conviction to him.'

'It did. Bingley is most unaffectedly modest.His diffidence had prevented his depending on his own judgment in so anxious a case，but his reliance on mine，made every thing easy.I was obliged to confess one thing，which for a time，and not unjustly，offended him.I could not allow myself to conceal that your sister had been in town three months last winter，that I had known it，and purposely kept it from him.He was angry.But his anger，I am persuaded，lasted no longer than he remained in any doubt of your sister's sentiments.He has heartily forgiven me now.

Elizabeth longed to observe that Mr. Bingley had been a most delightful friend；so easily guided that his worth was invaluable；but she checked herself.She remembered that he had yet to learnto be laught at，and it was rather too early to begin.In anticipating the happiness of Bingley，which of course was to be inferior only to his own，he continued the conversation till they reached the house.In the hall they parted.

XVII

'M y dear Lizzy，where can you have been walking to？'was a question which Elizabeth received from Jane as soon as she entered their room，and from all the others when they sat down to table. She had only to say in reply，that they had wandered about，till she was beyond her own knowledge.She coloured as she spoke；but neither that，nor any thing else，awakened a suspicion of the truth.