第25章 How to Win People to...(2)

“Well.” The inspector straightened up in his chair， leanedback， and talked for a long time about his work， telling me ofthe clever frauds he had uncovered. His tone gradually becamefriendly， and presently he was telling me about his children. Ashe left， he advised me that he would consider my problem furtherand give me his decision in a few days.

“He called at my office three days later and informed me thathe had decided to leave the tax return exactly as it was filed.”

This tax inspector was demonstrating one of the most commonof human frailties. He wanted a feeling of importance; and as longas Mr. Parsons argued with him， he got his feeling of importanceby loudly asserting his authority. But as soon as his importancewas admitted and the argument stopped and he was permitted toexpand his ego， he became a sympathetic and kindly human being.

Buddha said： “Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love，”

and a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but bytact， diplomacy， conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see theother person’s viewpoint.

Lincoln once reprimanded a young army officer for indulgingin a violent controversy with an associate. “No man who is resolved to make the most of himself，” said Lincoln， “can sparetime for personal contention. Still less can he afford to take theconsequences， including the vitiation of his temper and the lossof self-control. Yield larger things to which you show no morethan equal rights; and yield lesser ones though clearly your own.

Better give your path to a dog than be bitten by him in contestingfor the right. Even killing the dog would not cure the bite.”

PRINCIPLE 1：

The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

Chapter 11

A Sure Way of Making Enemies andHow to Avoid it

When Theodore Roosevelt was in the White House， heconfessed that if he could be right 75 percent of the time， hewould reach the highest measure of his expectation.

If that was the highest rating that one of the mostdistinguished men of the twentieth century could hope to obtain，what about you and me?

If you can be sure of being right only 55 percent of the time，you can go down to Wall Street and make a million dollars a day.

If you can’t be sure of being right even 55 percent of the time，why should you tell other people they are wrong?

You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonationor a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words—and if you tellthem they are wrong， do you make them want to agree with you?

Never！ For you have struck a direct blow at their intelligence，judgment， pride and self-respect. That will make them want tostrike back. But it will never make them want to change theirminds. You may then hurl at them all the logic of a Plato or anImmanuel Kant， but you will not alter their opinions， for youhave hurt their feelings.

Never begin by announcing “I am going to prove so-and-so toyou.” That’s bad. That’s tantamount to saying： “I’m smarter thanyou are， I’m going to tell you a thing or two and make you changeyour mind.”

That is a challenge. It arouses opposition and makes thelistener want to battle with you before you even start.

It is difficult， under even the most benign conditions， tochange people’s minds. So why make it harder? Why handicapyourself?

If you are going to prove anything， don’t let anybody know it.

Do it so subtly， so adroitly， that no one will feel that you are doingit. This was expressed succinctly by Alexander Pope：Men must be taught as if you taught them notAnd things unknown proposed as things forgot.

Over three hundred years ago Galileo said：You cannot teach a man anything; you can onlyhelp him to find it within himself.

As Lord Chesterfield said to his son：Be wiser than other people if you can;but do not tell them so.

Socrates said repeatedly to his followers in Athens：One thing only I know， and thatis that I know nothing.

Well， I can’t hope to be any smarter than Socrates， so I havequit telling people they are wrong. And I find that it pays.

If a person makes a statement that you think is wrong—yes，even that you know is wrong—isn’t it better to begin by saying：“Well， now， look， I thought otherwise， but I may be wrong. Ifrequently am. And if I am wrong， I want to be put right. Let’sexamine the facts.”

There’s magic， positive magic， in such phrases as： “I may bewrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts.”

Nobody in the heavens above or on earth beneath or in the waters under the earth will ever object to your saying： “I may bewrong. Let’s examine the facts.”

One of our class members who used this approach in dealingwith customers was Harold Reinke， a Dodge dealer in Billings，Montana. He reported that because of the pressures of theautomobile business， he was often hard-boiled and callous whendealing with customers’ complaints. This caused flared tempers，loss of business and general unpleasantness.

He told his class：

“Recognizing that this was getting me nowhere fast， I trieda new tack. I would say something like this： ‘Our dealership hasmade so many mistakes that I am frequently ashamed. We mayhave erred in your case. Tell me about it.’

“This approach becomes quite disarming， and by the timethe customer releases his feelings， he is usually much morereasonable when it comes to settling the matter. In fact， severalcustomers have thanked me for having such an understandingattitude. And two of them have even brought in friends to buynew cars. In this highly competitive market， we need more ofthis type of customer， and I believe that showing respect forall customers’ opinions and treating them diplomatically andcourteously will help beat the competition.”

You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may bewrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponentto be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It willmake him want to admit that he， too， may be wrong.

Carl Rogers， the eminent psychologist， wrote in his book OnBecoming a Person：