第20章 Ways to Make People Like You(9)

Years ago， a poor Dutch immigrant boy washed the windows ofa bakery shop after school to help support his family. His peoplewere so poor that in addition he used to go out in the street witha basket every day and collect stray bits of coal that had fallen inthe gutter where the coal wagons had delivered fuel. That boy，Edward Bok， never got more than six years of schooling in hislife; yet eventually he made himself one of the most successfulmagazine editors in the history of American journalism. How didhe do it? That is a long story， but how he got his start can be toldbriefly. He got his start by using the principles advocated in thischapter.

He left school when he was thirteen and became an office boyfor Western Union， but he didn’t for one moment give up theidea of an education. Instead， he started to educate himself， Hesaved his carfares and went without lunch until he had enoughmoney to buy an encyclopedia of American biography—and thenhe did an unheard-of thing. He read the lives of famous peopleand wrote them asking for additional information about their childhoods. He was a good listener. He asked famous people totell him more about themselves.

He wrote General James A. Garfield， who was then runningfor President， and asked if it was true that he was once a tow boyon a canal; and Garfield replied. He wrote General Grant askingabout a certain battle， and Grant drew a map for him and invitedthis fourteen-year old boy to dinner and spent the evening talkingto him.

Soon our Western Union messenger boy was correspondingwith many of the most famous people in the nation： Ralph WaldoEmerson， Oliver Wendell Holmes， Longfellow， Mrs. AbrahamLincoln， Louisa May Alcott， General Sherman and JeffersonDavis. Not only did he correspond with these distinguishedpeople， but as soon as he got a vacation， he visited many of themas a welcome guest in their homes. This experience imbued himwith a confidence that was invaluable. These men and womenfired him with a vision and ambition that shaped his life. And allthis， let me repeat， was made possible solely by the application ofthe principles we are discussing here.

Isaac F. Marcosson， a journalist who interviewed hundredsof celebrities， declared that many people fail to make a favorableimpression because they don’t listen attentively. “They have beenso much concerned with what they are going to say next that theydo not keep their ears open… Very important people have toldme that they prefer good listeners to good talkers， but the abilityto listen seems rarer than almost any other good trait.”

And not only important personages crave a good listener， butordinary folk do too. As the Reader’s Digest once said： “Manypersons call a doctor when all they want is an audience.”

During the darkest hours of the Civil War， Lincoln wroteto an old friend in Springfield， Illinois， asking him to come to Washington. Lincoln said he had some problems he wanted todiscuss with him. The old neighbor called at the White House，and Lincoln talked to him for hours about the advisability ofissuing a proclamation freeing the slaves. Lincoln went over allthe arguments for and against such a move， and then read lettersand newspaper articles， some denouncing him for not freeing theslaves and others denouncing him for fear he was going to freethem. After talking for hours， Lincoln shook hands with his oldneighbor， said good night， and sent him back to Illinois withouteven asking for his opinion. Lincoln had done all the talkinghimself. That seemed to clarify his mind. “He seemed to feeleasier after that talk，” the old friend said. Lincoln hadn’t wantedadvice， He had wanted merely a friendly， sympathetic listener towhom he could unburden himself. That’s what we all want whenwe are in trouble. That is frequently all the irritated customerwants， and the dissatisfied employee or the hurt friend.

If you want to know how to make people shun you and laughat you behind your back and even despise you， here is the recipe：Never listen to anyone for long. Talk incessantly about yourself. Ifyou have an idea while the other person is talking， don’t wait forhim or her to finish： bust right in and interrupt in the middle of asentence.

People who talk only of themselves think only of themselves.

And “those people who think only of themselves，” Dr. NicholasMurray Butler， longtime president of Columbia University， said，“are hopelessly uneducated. They are not educated，” said Dr.

Butler， “no matter how instructed they may be.”

So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist， be an attentivelistener. To be interesting， be interested. Ask questions that otherpersons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk aboutthemselves and their accomplishments.

Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundredtimes more interested in themselves and their wants andproblems than they are in you and your problems. A person’stoothache means more to that person than a famine in Chinawhich kills a million people. A boil on one’s neck interests onemore than forty earthquakes in Africa.

Think of that the next time you start a conversation.

PRINCIPLE 4：

Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

Chapter 8

How to Interest People

Everyone who was ever a guest of Theodore Roosevelt wasastonished at the range and diversity of his knowledge. Whetherhis visitor was a cowboy or a Rough Rider， a New York politicianor a diplomat， Roosevelt knew what to say. And how was it done?

The answer was simple. Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor，he sat up late the night before， reading up on the subject in whichhe knew his guest was particularly interested.

For Roosevelt knew， as all leaders know， that the royal road to aperson’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.

The genial William Lyon Phelps， essayist and professor ofliterature at Yale， learned this lesson early in life.